Lemon! No wait, sorry I had a surrealist moment and really, there
is no question. I’m not reviewing a book this month because I beta read Destroying
by Miriam Joy rather than something published. However, sending her my comments
gave me my idea for this post – A review of the edits I made to draft seven of Watching,
also by Miriam Joy (and she gave me her permission).
Now, I’m no expert editor with years of experience. Watching
was the first non-self book I’ve edited, but Miriam claims it helped her a lot.
So, without further ado I give you the original passage, with a word count of
208.
“Hi,” I said with a tight smile, and hoped that would be enough to stop myself from appearing rude. It seemed to be all that was required. Talking to her parents was not easy. It would have been hard to talk to the parents of the girl I had just almost kissed even if I wasn’t absolutely crap at talking to humans – especially the adults – the rest of the time. “So, Alex, you’re a friend of Jennie’s from school, right?” Her father was speaking, laying the table while Jennie and Alex bustled around, helping their mother to serve the food. I could smell pizza. I forced a smile onto my face before I replied. “Well, we’re in the same set, yes, but we hadn’t talked that much before recently,” I said truthfully. “So what brought you here today?” “Well, I sort of scared Jennie earlier and I actually came over to apologise,” I said, while looking at her to check I was saying the right thing. “Besides, we hadn’t finished our conversation.” Lame excuse, but nobody noticed because at that moment Jennie and her mother brought over the large plates full of pizza and sat down. I was about to tuck in when their father started saying Grace, which surprised me. I hadn’t known that Jennie came from a Christian family.
Now here is where I requested changes and some whys; [brackets
= delete] and (parenthesis = add)
- “Hi,” I
said with a tight smile, [and hoped] (hoping) that [would be] (was) enough to [stop
myself] (keep me) from appearing rude.
- The first two changes are about tightening the sentence, while the last one is, I hope, using stronger words, - Talking to
her parents was not easy. It would have been hard to talk to the parents of the
girl I had just almost kissed even if I wasn’t absolutely crap at talking to
humans – especially the adults – the rest of the time.
- I didn’t change anything here, but I did make a note on how this statement related to Alex’s character and his interactions with others - “So, Alex, [you’re] (you are) a friend of Jennie’s [from school, right] (then)?”
- Its hard to emphasis a contracted word, and how they are friends isn’t as important to the father clarifying that Alex is or isn’t a friend, since there’s been some waffling on this subject earlier. - Her father was
[speaking] (spoke as he ), [laying] (laid) the table(.) [while Jennie and Alex
bustled around, helping their mother to serve the food.]
- This sentence was long and the second half of it unnecessary, especialy since Alex wasn’t helping (probably should have been Alys, the little sister) - [I could
smell pizza.]
- Not needed, we find out about the Pizza at an appropriate time later. - I forced a
smile onto my face(.) [before I replied.]
- His dialog follows this so before I replied isn’t necessary. - “Well,
we’re in the same set, yes, but we hadn’t talked that much before recently[,](.)”
I [said] (was) truthful[ly].
- I decided that said wasn’t needed and in taking it out the adverb ‘disappeared’. - “Well, I sort of scared Jennie earlier and I
actually came over to apologise[,](,)” I [said, while looking] (looked) at her
to check I was saying the right thing.
- notice that removing said, allows us to remove one more word and we break a long sentence into two (not always necessary) - I was about
to tuck in when their father started saying Grace[, which surprised me]. (Surprised
I bowed my head;) I hadn’t known [that] Jennie(’s family was) [came from a] Christian
[family].
- Here I chose to take Alex’s reaction to the action (saying grace) into a separate sentence, while trying to tighten up the wording.
The hardest part of the editing is keeping the author’s
style. You’ll not I removed said twice. It’s a word I tend to avoid, but one
that Miriam likes to use. There’s no wrong or right way, it’s just a matter of
preference. I’d like to think that because I wasn’t changing said to a descriptor
(like yelled or whispered), I managed to keep her style. But here, you judge if
the 187 word result sounds similar in style, I didn't check to see what she did with my comments.
“Hi,” I said with a tight smile, hoping that was enough to keep me from appearing rude.
Talking to her parents was not easy. It would have been hard to talk to the parents of the girl I had just almost kissed even if I wasn’t absolutely crap at talking to humans – especially the adults – the rest of the time. “So, Alex, you are a friend of Jennie’s, then?” Her father spoke as he laid the table.
I forced a smile onto my face. “Well, we’re in the same set, yes, but we hadn’t talked that much before recently.” I was truthful. “So what brought you here today?” “Well, I sort of scared Jennie earlier and I actually came over to apologise.” I looked at her to check I was saying the right thing. “Besides, we hadn’t finished our conversation.”
Lame excuse, but nobody noticed because at that moment Jennie and her mother brought over large plates full of pizza and sat down. I was about to tuck in when their father started saying Grace. Surprised I bowed my head; I hadn’t known Jennie’s family was Christian.
Now what do you think? Is it better or worse than the
original passage? Are there additional things you might change if you were
editing it?
:} Cathryn Leigh
